There are some things that I really, really want to know. These are things that I feel I should have learned a veeeeeeeeeeery long time ago or rather things I assumed I would have learned a long time ago. I guess a lot of kids ask questions of their immediate elders but sadly, I was the oldest child out of my siblings and cousins; the closest 'kid' was my uncle who is eleven years older than I am and was too imbroiled in the whole moody teenager thing to really offer much guidance beyond dangling me headfirst over the toilet and nicknaming me Poohstain. And so, I was left to figure stuff out on my own. "What things are we talking about?" you ask, "like sex stuff?"Well, my darling reader, sort of. What things I am referring to are assumably (considering the sources) sexual and at twenty-six I'm still confused. And so, here is my list, please be kind and offer me some answers?
1. The whole hemorrhoids thing from Ace Ventura -- How was the lady detective's hemorrhoids the smoking gun for her transsexualism? I don't want to watch the movie again (for fairly obvious homophobic reasons, oh and because I'm not eleven) and I really don't want to throw this out there into google questions.
2. Big Pun's Don't Wanna be a Playa -- You know the song... I don't wanna be a playa no more, I'm not a playa I just crush a lot... What does crush a lot mean? When I was, I don't know, thirteen or so, I freaking loved this song despite not really understanding it, I took it for granted that I'd eventually sort it out. Sure enough I did; the little brown hairs everywhere (gag) part, the rubbing your spot, love bit, the in the hot tub, popping bubbly line I totally get, I'm even familiar with the dangers posed by drinking in a hot tub (broken glass, lower tolerance...) but I just crush a lot? No clue. Does it mean rough sex? Or like a school girl crush? Or is Big Pun just all about smushing cans against his forehead a la frat boy?
3. Wayne's World -- What is a hose beast? A psycho hose beast? When I was a kid I imagined a Seuss-like creature crossed with a garden hose. Terrifying.
4. No Diggity by Blackstreet -- I like the way you work it, no diggity, I gotta bag it up... Bag it up? Put on a condom? Take out the trash? Cover the bed in plastic because there is about to be some naaaaaaasty shit goin' down?
5. Gang Bangers -- I know what gang means and I know that bangers are delicious and to bang is something completely different from enjoying pub food (or is it????) so how come I'm so confused about gang bangers?
6. That Weird Dance Move that is Supposed to Look Like a Spanking -- You know the one, the dude holds one arm at a ninety degree angle in front of him, palm down and the other arm is snapped back and forth under the first arm in a slapping-like motion. I think I'm familiar with the logistics of the move it is meant to mimic but unless these guys are ballin' ghosts then I just don't see how that could possibly work. The charm of most dances I enjoy usually consist of perfectly replicating the act it's meant to be: the grocery cart, the sprinkler, the machine gun, the hypnotized cobra... I'm just quite confused as to the logistics of a) the dance and/or b) the, ahem, act.
7. Vanilla Ice -- I lick your boom boom down? What? I do not dig, well, maybe I do but I don't want to.
There I've revealed my embarrassing list of stuff I should know by now and as a bonus have also revealed my embarrassing suburban upbringing full of dumb movies and faux hip-hop (ok, I totally still listen to No Diggity). Help?
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